A Strategy for Communicating Difficult Things.

Communicating Difficult Things

Motivation

Talking to people close to you (partners, friends) about highly charged topics is hard. When emotions are high, things are not as fault-tolerant as in normal conversation. Miscommunication and cross-talk can become hurtful quickly.

We will take as an axiom that minimizing miscommunication will lead to a less hurtful conversation for both parties. The following is (highly opinionated) procedure designed to facilitate clear communicate about stressful things.

A Procedure

Step -1

In order to eliminate cross-talk we want to have only one party speaking at a time. Since it can be unclear when a party has finished a thought and is ready to have the other party speak, we will use a totem—a physical object that identifies who is speaking. As long as one party is holding the totem the other should refrain from speaking.

Let’s assume there are two parties involved, which we will call <Fox> and <Wolf>.

<Fox> will start the conversation and thus will start holding the Totem.

Step 0

<Fox> expresses a complex idea to <Wolf>, typically an expression of difficult feelings. When finished speaking, <Fox> hands the totem to <Wolf>.

Fox |> Hey, recently you’ve been raising your voice when I can’t remember where things go in the kitchen, and that makes me feel scared.

Notes

Statements should be relatively short and convey a single idea, or perhaps a handful of closely related ideas. The responding party needs to keep the entire content of what is said in their mind and if things are too long or complex it can be difficult to remember what was said.

Step 1

<Wolf> takes the totem, and expresses what they heard to <Fox> and explains what they thought it meant.

Wolf |> I heard you say that I get upset with you when you misplace things in the kitchen, and that me getting upset makes you scared.

If what <Wolf> heard is not what <Fox> meant to express, Steps 0 and 1 are repeated, otherwise the conversation continues to step 2. Note if Step 0 is repeated, the Totem will be returned to the original speaker.

Return to Step 0.

Fox |> No, it’s not that you get upset that bothers me, it’s that you raise your voice.

Continue to Step 2.

Fox |> Yea exactly, I don’t like the feeling of you being mad at me.

Notes

Responses shouldn’t introduce a significant amount of new information, and should clearly answer the question “did I understand what you said correctly”.

Step 2

<Wolf> (holding the totem again) responds to <Fox>’s statements, and possibly introduces a new point.

Wolf |> Having things organized in the kitchen is important to me, but I see how my response to things being misplaced was hurtful and an overreaction.

Steps 0-2 repeat with <Wolf> and <Fox> in reversed roles.